Tuesday, November 1, 2022

Air and Fire

Just an interesting take on Leora and myself... 

When Sagittarius and Aquarius join together in a love match, Aquarian ideals and Sagittarian knowledge combine to make them a creative and unique couple.

This partnership is uninhibited, and while it can get competitive with these two, there’s never a dull moment! Underneath any romantic overtone, there exists a great friendship; their Signs are two apart and this tends to give them an ability to communicate well as well as an excellent rapport. Both are idealistic and excited about life, and together they enjoy great times. Together, the two can fly without fear of falling.

Many Sagittarius-Aquarius relationships enjoy the feeling of mutual admiration. Sagittarius is attracted to Aquarius’s individuality, vision and creative capacity. Aquarius admires Sagittarian excellence and initiative — Sagittarius is always coming up new ideas, but they aren’t always able to carry them out the way Aquarius can. Both Signs relish their independence, and there aren’t many conflicts because each understands this about the other. At times, Sagittarius may seem too selfish for Aquarius, who in turn may be too out-there for their Sagittarian partner. As long as they communicate their happiness about the relationship, they will overcome any bumps in the road, major or minor.

Sagittarius is ruled by the Planet Jupiter and Aquarius is ruled by the Planets Saturn and Uranus.

These three Planets form a sort of cycle that typifies the Sagittarius-Aquarius relationship, especially their ability to see eye-to-eye. Uranus is the Planet of new ideas and creativity; it’s from this Planet that Aquarius gets its grandiose ideas. Then Jupiter steps in with its influences toward higher learning, expansion and abundance. Finally Saturn keeps the process going to completion, following up after Uranus’s inspiration has been exhausted and Jupiter’s energy moves on to new things.

Sagittarius is a Fire Sign and Aquarius is an Air Sign.

Air fuels Fire and keeps it going much in the same way that Aquarius can inspire Sagittarius to make great leaps. Sagittarius can keep up with the Water Bearer’s tendency to engage in experiments based on futuristic ideas. When they come together, they are an innovative, inventive team! Aquarius and Sagittarius use intellect and a sense of adventure to gain new experiences — each fosters creativity in the other. Both Signs have a wide variety of interests, and Sagittarius’s need to get in on the action gives them ease with which to put the plans of the idea-generating Aquarius into action.

Sagittarius is a Mutable Sign and Aquarius is a Fixed Sign.

Sag rolls with the punches and is happy to stop what they are doing to tend to other matters. Aquarius is slightly less adjustable, more into sustaining a project already in progress as long as they are passionate about its completion. Aquarius can help situate and resolve issues rather than jumping blindly into new ones, whereas Sagittarius is happy to drift from one subject to the next as the mood takes them. They are both loyal and devoted to one another, and they can get past a lot together.

What’s the best aspect of the Sagittarius-Aquarius relationship?

It’s their ability to resolve difficult issues when they put their hearts in the matter. Mutable Fire and Fixed Air cover all the bases: These partners can stick with an idea once it’s firmly implanted. Their formidable combination makes theirs a relationship of outward motion as well as inward depth.

Tuesday, October 4, 2022

The Beat

Rythm is life. It permeates every aspect of everyone's lives, regardless of gender, creed or life experiences.

And while most humans actually recognize this, to include science and the natural world, I believe I acknowledged it far younger than would be considered "normal".

A paraphrase from chat with Brah-in-Law:

"I don't have a different drummer to march to. I have an entire orchestra."

"And their instruments of choice are pots and pans with a wooden spoon."

'Heh... If only life were that simple. Just a beat that was easy to march along with.'

'It can be that easy. But I think we all usually make it a lot harder, and listen to everybody else's outside noise. Or in this case, their "music".'

"That is almost profound."

Exactly when did Brah-in-Law grow a batch of wisdom?

And I think he nailed the issue directly on the head with a sledgehammer.

I have been listening too much, lately, to the noise. Sometimes with that one trumpeter that is just half a chord off?

And it took the recent changes to my love life to bring that forward, I think. Leora and I have talked about how hard the path we've chosen could get.

There's a LOT of outside noise. Not our music, in a lot of aspects of each of our lives. Then, there is music and beats that belong there, as well. Trying to coordinate all those chords into a melody is going to be a challenge.

The trick is, that Leora and I seem to be hearing that different drummer, far louder and clearer than anything else.

Sunday, October 2, 2022

Stars

Soooo...

    I do think that I've found one of the songs that more or less describes what it is I feel for Leora. And any person that loves music can find quite a few. But this one almost made me cry, when I heard it, today.

    "Under Your Stars" by Godsmack is just...

    What?

    Perfect?

    It hits my genre, says exactly the words that I would actually use (if I was always that clever). The song calls to raw emotion, in a way that few can.

    Oh yeah. Most of my music does that. Never mind.

    

Friday, September 30, 2022

Truth

    According to a 19th century legend, the Truth and the Lie meet one day. The Lie says to the Truth: "It's a marvellous day today!" The Truth looks up to the skies and sighs, for the day was really beautiful. They spend a lot of time together, ultimately arriving beside a well.

    The Lie tells the Truth: "The water is very nice, let's take a bath together!" The Truth, once again suspicious, tests the water and discovers that it indeed is very nice. They undress and start bathing.

    Suddenly, the Lie comes out of the water, puts on the clothes of the Truth and runs away. The furious Truth comes out of the well and runs everywhere to find the Lie and to get her clothes back. The World, seeing the Truth naked, turns its gaze away, with contempt and rage.

    The poor Truth returns to the well and disappears forever, hiding therein, its shame.

    Since then, the Lie travels around the world, dressed as the Truth, satisfying the needs of society, because, the World, in any case, harbours no wish at all to meet the naked Truth.

Thursday, September 29, 2022

Aptly Titled

 I am beginning to truly understand, that some part of my brain was functioning at full speed when I named this site.

Let's call this woman "Leora"...

Let us also say, that I am totally and irrevocably in love with her.

For a guy that loves to love my humans, I have also kept corners of my own heart safe. Perhaps "blocked" is a better word. But for me, that has always held the same meaning.

I was married to my best friend for thirty years. And still in love with her. And honestly didn't really believe that such could happen, ever again.

Coasting for six years hadn't shown me that I was wrong. And more than a few mistakes, in those six years, resulting in a place where it was hard to think I even deserved to have a real life, again.

And yet, Leora actually makes me feel like I can share any fault, happenstance, emotion or evil mistake.

I have always been someone that most feel like they can talk to. I talk quite a lot, actually. Generally, just to ease other humans into a conversational direction, that doesn't feel forced. Leora appears to be socially-adept, but is more home-body material than even I am.

She is good at conversation, entertaining others, making them feel welcome and loved, and yet tells me that she doesn't really feel that way. As badly as I screwed up my transition from young to (what?) (a little more mature and responsible?), I at least knew a lot of support from my wife. To include my kids, really, since they tend to still put up with my after-antics.

And though I fall more deeply in love with Leora, with every conversation and touch, the worst part is that it's not a phase or a passing infatuation. I am actually loving her. I am suddenly willing to risk all that armor and those blocked spaces of my soul, just to give her the kind of support that I know is the only way two people can stay together.

Gradients are turning into more solid versions of black and white.

Tuesday, September 20, 2022

Here we go again...

 ... At the risk of sounding like an old '80's song...

Oh, wait.

I sound like every sappy song that has ever been put out there.

For all the armor that I put in place, there will always be a woman that can at least dent it. Any smithy could tell you stories about what dents do to armor.

I don't even have a code name for this one. She didn't dent my armor. 

She destroyed it.

Sunday, June 28, 2020

Still Dizzy..

If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do
If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says
When she says she loves me
Well you got your reasons
And you got your lies
And you got your manipulations
They cut me down to size
Sayin' you love but you don't
You give your love but you won't
If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do
If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says
When she says she loves me
Seems the road less traveled
Show's happiness unraveled
And you got to take a little dirt
To keep what you love
That's what you gotta do
Sayin' you love but you don't
You give your love but you won't
Stretching out your arms for something that's just not there
You're sayin' you love where you stand
Give your heart when you can
If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do
If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says
When she says she loves me
You're sayin' you love but you don't
You give your love but you won't
(But she won't)
You're sayin' you love where you stand
Give your heart when you can
If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do
If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says
When she says she loves me

Saturday, June 27, 2020

Sitting...

... still.

Seriously in one of those places in life where there IS no correct move, plan or concept...

Michi got talked into going out and about, last night. Which, of course, translates into ME going out and about.

$140 later, I'm just irritated, drunk off my ass, playing pool badly (which is pretty much the WORST thing I can deal with)...

Walking home, a nightmare. Stepped on her flip-flop, tripped, fell, didn't wanna even get the hell off the road...

Today? (I can't say "this morning"... I skipped the whole morning :) )

It's a "fuck it" day... Blaring my music, overthinking EVERYTHING, moody, etc.

Every other song reminds me of Wifey Dearest. Whether it's because she hated my music, or those rare songs that we both loved, it's brutal.


Thursday, February 8, 2018

Coming Down

"Coming Down"

It's caving in around me
What I thought was solid ground
I tried to look the other way
But I couldn't turn around
It's OK for you to hate me
For all the things I've done
I've made a few mistakes
But I'm not the only one

Step away from the ledge
I'm coming down

I could never be
What you want me to
You pull me under
To save yourself
(Save yourself)
You will never see
What's inside of me
I pull you under just to save myself

Was there ever any question
On how much I could take? 
You kept feeding me your bullshit
Hoping I would break
Is there anybody out there? 
Is there anyone who cares? 
Is there anybody listening? 
Will they hear my final prayers? 

Step away from the ledge
I'm coming down

I could never be
What you want me to
You pull me under
To save yourself
(Save yourself) 
You will never see
What's inside of me
I pull you under just to save myself
(Save myself) 

It's caving in around me 
(Caving in)
It's tearing me apart
(Tearing me)
It's all coming down around me
(Coming down)
Does anyone
Anyone
Care at all? 

I will never be
What you want me to
You pull me under
I pull you under

I could never be
What you want me to
You pull me under
To save yourself
(Save yourself)
You will never see
What's inside of me
I pull you under just to save myself

Tuesday, February 6, 2018

What Lies Beneath

Take a breath
Hold it in
Start a fight
You won't win
Had enough
Let's begin
Nevermind
I don't care

All in all
You're no good
You don't cry
Like you should
Let it go
If you could
When love dies in the end

So I'll find what lies beneath
Your sick twisted smile
As I lie underneath
Your cold jaded eyes
Now you turn the tide on me
'Cause you're so unkind
I will always be here
For the rest of my life

Here we go
Does it hurt
Say goodbye
to this world
I will not
Be undone
Come to life
It gets worse

All in all
You're no good
You don't cry
Like you should
I'll be gone
when you fall
Your sad life
Says it all

So I'll find what lies beneath
Your sick twisted smile
As I lie underneath
Your cold jaded eyes
Now you turn the tide on me
'Cause you're so unkind
I will always be here
For the rest of my life

Don't carry me under
You're the devil in disguise
God sing for the hopeless
I'm the one you left behind

So I'll find what lies beneath
Your sick twisted smile
As I lie underneath
Your cold jaded eyes
Now you turn the tide on me
'Cause you're so unkind
I will always be here
For the rest of my life

Saturday, January 27, 2018

Dizzy, Again

Some things just don't go away...

I reverted most posts about Dizzy to "draft". They were real thoughts, but non-productive. Just words left best unsaid.

And? It takes just the sight of her and a short conversation or two. To remind me that I may still have a best friend in the world.

She's busy. Making a real life for herself, her daughter and her man. So I miss her. A LOT. But love that she's basically keeping her shit together.

I miss the long conversations. The hugs that just make the world right for a few minutes. The fact that she can almost finish my thoughts for me. And be almost always be dead-on-correct about what drives me.

My give-a-shit is dying for good, I think.

Loneliness, a lot of mistakes in the last year... the losses just keep on piling up. I've got nothing left of my old life except a trio of dogs that drive me nuts most of the time.

The trick? To keep pushing hard, forward. Fuck the world, because my old one is gone. It's time to make a new one. My way, period.

The ONE thing I still believe in?

Dizzy.

No matter what I direction I go in from here, there's promises I made to her that will always hold true... if only to keep myself human.

I love ya, Dizzy... I hope you KNOW this, and rely on me to stay who I am at heart.

Saturday, November 4, 2017

Drunk Again...

No, not literally.
Drunk on the overwhelming thoughts, I guess.
I've been placed in a position of lose-lose, for the first time in my life.
My entire life has been just one long equation. "Just the math" is my favorite turn of phrase.
I fucked up.
I added a person into my math that was outside the equation. A new math. And she couldn't live up to my addition.
It has cost me just about everything, to give her that opening into MY life. And it will cost me more, every day.
My family has almost disowned me.
I've lost my best friends... they don't have time for my issues. And I've lost their respect.
Of all things... THAT is killing me.
I need someone that actually listens, just once...

I did what I needed to for myself. I knew it was a bad idea, a bad plan, an unlikely outcome, and a crazy egotistical dream to think I could "help" at my state in life.
Shelly proved that I can't.
She loved me... this I believe.
She's an addict... Not to one drug, but a lifetime of abuse and abusing... She may never change.
I knew this.
Shelly wasn't some secret, unknown player in our tiny town. She's KNOWN. She has and has had a reputation for EXACTLY what she's done to me.
And?
So what?
She's moved on to her next target... And all I can think of is how to fix it for her.
She NEEDS someone that simply believes she can be better. THIS is something I can do.
I'm not in love with the woman... I never was. But I BELIEVE in that inner heart she hides. I BELIEVE that someone will eventually show her that there really IS a real person in there, a real hope for a decent life.
I'm scared shitless that I'm the ONLY one that can show her that.