No, not literally.
Drunk on the overwhelming thoughts, I guess.
I've been placed in a position of lose-lose, for the first time in my life.
My entire life has been just one long equation. "Just the math" is my favorite turn of phrase.
I fucked up.
I added a person into my math that was outside the equation. A new math. And she couldn't live up to my addition.
It has cost me just about everything, to give her that opening into MY life. And it will cost me more, every day.
My family has almost disowned me.
I've lost my best friends... they don't have time for my issues. And I've lost their respect.
Of all things... THAT is killing me.
I need someone that actually listens, just once...
I did what I needed to for myself. I knew it was a bad idea, a bad plan, an unlikely outcome, and a crazy egotistical dream to think I could "help" at my state in life.
Shelly proved that I can't.
She loved me... this I believe.
She's an addict... Not to one drug, but a lifetime of abuse and abusing... She may never change.
I knew this.
Shelly wasn't some secret, unknown player in our tiny town. She's KNOWN. She has and has had a reputation for EXACTLY what she's done to me.
And?
So what?
She's moved on to her next target... And all I can think of is how to fix it for her.
She NEEDS someone that simply believes she can be better. THIS is something I can do.
I'm not in love with the woman... I never was. But I BELIEVE in that inner heart she hides. I BELIEVE that someone will eventually show her that there really IS a real person in there, a real hope for a decent life.
I'm scared shitless that I'm the ONLY one that can show her that.
